A Game of Twilight? SPOILERS ALL

Eddard Cullen

Eddard Cullen

Recently, it has come to my attention that the “Twilight Saga” by Stephenie Meyer may indeed be a better series than “A Song of Ice and Fire” by George R.R. Martin (more commonly known as “Game of Thrones”). Based on sales figures alone, “Twilight” has had nearly 6 times the sales[1] during its relatively brief existence[2] with far, far fewer pages. Additionally, the “Twilight Saga” film adaptation has earned $3,345,177,904 compared to a budget of only $385 million- making it insanely profitable as well as popular. “ASOIAF” remains unfinished, while “Game of Thrones” is one of the most expensive series on modern television and also the most illegally downloaded[3]. Would this not reflect on the quality of the fans as well? Could the purchasers of so many copies of “Twilight” be misled, unintelligent, immature, ignorant, moronic, and vapid? Are 120 million people truly wrong?

 

The place to start might be the complaints that the general public has in regards to Martin’s masterful work. Although based on actual historical events[4] and containing developed characters, one thing can certainly be said: it is LONG. “Five out of seven books completed in almost 20 years” long. “If all the words were put on a single line of text at 12 point font, it would cross the English Channel” long[5]. While Martin may try to defend this by creating characters with backgrounds and motivations, it simply will not do for Meyer’s fans. No, at an easily digestible 2,443 pages, Meyer was able to create a world wherein vampires and werewolves that are thousands of years old have been living in secret and stalking teenage girls still in high school[6].

 

The main characters of “ASOIAF” are also extremely difficult to keep track of. Despite having chapters that are specifically titled with the name of the character and an appendix for the reader to better understand their relationship to this incredibly detailed fantasy, some readers may complain that it is hard to follow characters with names like “Daenerys Targaryen”, “Victarion Greyjoy”, or “Renesmee”.[7] But have no fear! Meyer has written a series where there are only three important people throughout. Yes, protagonist Bella Swan, who is but a normal girl that has moved to live with her hippy father, Billy Burke, experiences all of life’s ups and downs, including:

Feeling depressed

Attempting suicide because a sparkly vampire that is 100 years old appears to no longer desire her 17-year-old body

Not being entirely certain if she loves a werewolf or a vampire

Living in or around a foggy forest

Riveting stuff. Additionally, Edward Cullen, the vampire that is apparently striking to teenage girls because “like a carnivorous flower” he is “physically attractive to (his) prey”[8], also has difficulties, such as:

Feeling depressed

Attempting suicide because he must appear that he no longer desires a 17-year-old body, despite being a sparkly vampire that is 100 years old

Not being entirely certain if he loves a human or a werewolf[9]

Living in or around a foggy forest

Finally, there is Jacob, a werewolf that is redundant[10]. And thank God! Could you imagine having a love triangle with three characters whose motives are deeper than a petri dish?

 

But perhaps the biggest complaint that fans of Martin’s work have is that the main characters consistently die off. Indeed, in the first book alone, one of the characters that has been telling the bulk of the story from his point of view finds a grisly end, due to his being played by Sean Bean. Terr-i-ble writing, Mr. Martin. Here we have developed feelings and a repertoire with a hero, and you reward us with a surprise twist that has major impacts on the events of the rest of the series and gets your readers even more invested. Meyer once again has the right of it, by making her main characters nearly impossible to kill off, in particular Bella Swan, the human equivalent of a lemming. Bella jumps off a cliff? She makes it. Bella almost dies in childbirth?[11] She survives (and gets super nifty powers). Bella, Edward, Jacob, the racially insensitive Quileute Indian stereotypes[12], Billy Burke, and the rest of the Forks, Washington crew face a near impossible stand off against an overwhelming force of enemies that would have featured insane mind powers and elemental manipulations? Aneurysm (sorry, Renesmee) successfully “projects” an imaginary battle into the minds of the enemies to convince them that they would lose, which in no way cheats the audience of what would have killed off at least half the Cullen coven. Talk about efficient!

 

Finally, the writing, arguably the most important part of a book[13]– “ASOIAF” once again is lacking. His prose is fluid, poetic, and full of words which challenge the reader’s mind. Simply put- too much, Mr. Martin. What the hell is a “nuncle”?[14] And shame on you for using a racially insensitive term such as “niggardly”![15] No, the general public obviously appreciates the writing of Meyer, especially such lines as:
“His fingers were ice-cold, like he’d been holding them in a snowdrift before class.”[16]

Compared to Martin’s:
“His cloak was his crowning glory; sable, thick and black and soft as sin.”[17]

Please! We do NOT need that many adjectives to describe something. Small wonder it’s taken him so long to finish a damn book. Only an idiot would waste more than a year writing something.[18]

 

So it would seem that “Twilight” may have “ASOIAF” beat. When it comes to satisfying their audience, fans of “Twilight” put it on the New York Times Best Seller List for over 235 weeks.[19] With numbers like this, how could so many people be so very, very, very wrong? Clearly no. After all, “Twilight” has spawned another extremely successful and, well, written series[20], while “ASOIAF” has only created a few novellas that are impossible to find.[21] Perhaps it is for these reasons that Meyer is more universally accepted as a great writer while Martin gets so little attention. Yes, the tribe has spoken, the fat lady has sung, and the chickens have all hatched. The only way that “Twilight” could not be better than “ASOIAF” is if the large majority of the world was suckered into consuming and reading a product that was actually a waste of time. But there’s no way that could happen, could it?

 

 


 

[1] “Twilight”- 120 million, “ASOIAF”- 24 million

[2] 2005-2011 vs. 1996-present

[3] 1.4 million downloads between January and February 2014

[4] The Wars of the Roses

[5] Yes, this is true

[6] And playing “super baseball” to Muse

[7] Whoops! That last one was actually from “Twilight”.

[8] Which, realistically, makes him a pedophile?

[9] MEYER WHY WON’T YOU COMMENT ON MY JACOB/EDWARD FANFICTION!

[10] But the imprinting thing is essential to the plot

[11] How’s that for a strong stance against premarital marriage!

[12] No joke, the chief refers to champagne as “sparkling firewater” in the movie

[13] Because, you know, words

[14] Nuncle

[15] Niggardly

[16] Source

[17] Source

[18] Or four somethings

[19] Yes, indeed

[20] “50 Shades of Grey”

[21] Where the HELL can I find “Tales of Dunk and Egg”, dammit?!

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2 thoughts on “A Game of Twilight? SPOILERS ALL

  1. This was a wonderfully satirical article. Bravo!

    Liked by 1 person

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