Phalloplasty: The New Berlin Start Up

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Brace yourself.

Hey there, reader!

Is your Siegessäule not tall enough?

Do you feel as though your sex life is not “Vier Sterne”?

Are you tired of ordering a großes Bier and getting an eye roll from the waitress?

WELL WORRY NO MORE!

Yes indeed, Germany has now been officially recognized THE number one destination for those desiring to increase their Hohenzollerns, or penis.[1] Apparently 2,786 procedures have occurred in the last year[2], which is a whopping 18% of all the procedures done WORLDWIDE. With almost a fifth of all penis enlargement surgeries being performed by stern German doctors who likely took no pleasure in their work[3], one has to wonder- why Deutschland?

“8 out of every 100,000 men in Germany”, the article states, “is four times the number of the closest competitor” of Venezuela[4]. Third place is Spain, which will likely spark some criticism of the Spaniards taking German jobs. But what’s intriguing is that the figures given do not specify the nationality of those seeking the procedure, only that they sought it in Germany far above any other country. Could this be the effect of the German engineering we’ve all heard so much about? Is VW developing some sort of technique that BMW is desperately jealous of? Perhaps this explains why convertibles are not so popular on the German market?[5]

It probably shouldn’t be that surprising; after all, the German medical field has plenty to desire. With state of the art facilities in Berlin, Heidelberg, Bonn, and Hamburg, Germany also has a very competitive medical education system that make it a top place to study. While it may be doubtful that the majority those studying at these universities are hoping to eventually perform penis enlargement surgeries, perhaps it is a burgeoning field that should be given due consideration. What if, instead of virology or neurology, phalloplasty[6] became the top focus for German doctors? Could Germany become a Mecca for those wishing to handle and lengthen male genitalia?[7] Where would these doctors study?

So I propose opening the Deutsches Schwanz Klinik, the first of its kind. Here doctors can practice on bananas or cucumbers[8] and learn all there is to know about the wang. Experts from Berghain dark rooms will help educate these budding penisologists[9] and give them the tips of the trade. We’ll put it in the Fernsehturm, and tourists around the world can hear about how it took the Soviets four years to get it up. Come on down![10]


[1] You thought I was joking?

[2] Because of course they kept figures.

[3] I say this from experience.

[4] Insert “former Nazis living in South America” joke here.

[5] Yes, that’s a foreskin joke. Keepin’ it classy.

[6] Which is still not in the top 10 surgeries worldwide, it would seem.

[7] Certain districts in Berlin may already be there, of course.

[8] Or cornichons, who am I kidding…

[9] Yes, I am aware the technical term is urologist, but that’s not nearly as funny sounding.

[10] Pun intended.

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