Every Episode of “Hannibal” Ever

I enjoy the TV show “Hannibal”. I think it is visually appealing, the story line is intriguing, and Mads Mikkelsen (you may have noticed I like his work) eats up the scenery as if it were any number of the dishes I can only assume he personally prepares while in character (but not too in character, hopefully). However, I can see the reason why a lot of people have beef with the show, and in order to better explain it to you, here’s my script for every episode of “Hannibal” ever.

Scene: Dr. Hannibal Lector, a renowned psychiatrist and cooking aficionado, is preparing dinner for his guests. He has made quite a spread, including delicacies from all over the world. Little do his guests know that Dr. Lector has a dark side, a secret side- he is actually a sociopathic killer who enjoys preparing his kills as meals for his guests to enjoy. Always one step ahead of the law and two steps ahead of the audience, we shall bear witness to his sick and twisted ways, while also putting up with his schtick.

 The bell rings- his first guests have arrived.

Dr. Lector: (opens the door) Ah, William Graham, what a pleasure to have you here. And Dr. Chilton, what a surprise to see you up and feeling better.

Dr. Chilton: Yes, ever since that last sociopathic killer kidnapped me, pulled out my organs, and made me hold them, I have been feeling a bit peaky.

Will Graham: Was that the sociopathic killer who worked in the prison? Or the sociopathic killer that turned his enemy’s guts into violin strings?

Dr. Chilton: No, this is the one who I accidentally created after forcing hypnotic suggestion that he was the Chesapeake Ripper, who is actually still at large in the sense that we never caught him and his kills are often disguised as someone else’s.

Dr. Lector: Yes, I often think that they will never find him. (gives a knowing grin)

Will Graham: That… seems like an odd thing to say. Anyways. Please, Dr. Lector, lead the way.

Dr. Lector: Follow me, my little sheep. (gives a knowing grin)

(they do)

Dr. Lector: Tonight we will be having sautéed truffles which I gathered myself, a platter of rare and exquisite French cheeses, and the main course will be a specialty of mine that I learned while traveling through the Indonesian jungles of isolated islands. The local name is hard to pronounce, but the French call it “longue porc”. (gives a knowing grin)

Dr. Chilton: How exotic! There is no need to read into that.

Will Graham: What kind of meat is it?

Dr. Lector: Oh, you’ll have to guess.

Dr. Chilton: Come now, Hannibal, surely you can tell us! We must know!

Dr. Lector: I’m afraid you’ll need a warrant to get an answer from me. (gives a knowing grin)

Will Graham: Well I’m quite hungry. Let’s eat.

Dr. Lector: Don’t let me stop you. Dig in.

They do.

Dr. Chilton: Mmm, Hannibal- this is divine. The truffles are beautifully done, and this meat… this meat is so tender. Where did you get it? It must be expensive.

Dr. Lector: Oh, I have a butcher who is most humane. (gives a knowing grin)

Will Graham: Still, it must have cost you an arm and a leg!

Dr. Lector: No, no… well, not me, at any case. (gives a knowing grin)

Will Graham: …pardon?

Dr. Lector: Nothing. So tell me, how is your case progressing? You are still working for the FBI in their Serial Killers Squad, which clearly had to be a separate department specifically made for Massachusetts as there are so many serial killers here.

Will Graham: It is very frustrating. My boss, he seems to think that I see serial killers everywhere, since I have a rare brain disorder which allows me to recreate crime scenes.

Dr. Lector: Well surely not EVERYWHERE, otherwise no one in this room would be safe? (gives a knowing grin)

Dr. Chilton: Hannibal, you seem to be in a very good mood, considering that you’re smiling all the time.

Dr. Lector: As a matter of fact, I am. I recently was able to acquire a rare Matisse which I had my eye on for a while.

Will Graham: Oh, is it this one here?

Dr. Lector: Yes, it is. I’m very proud of it.

Dr. Chilton: I can see! My, I would have put up quite a fight for it.

Dr. Lector: I most certainly did. The price, though… the price was… murder. (gives a knowing grin)

Will Graham: …I have to say, I’m beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable right now.

Dr. Chilton: Why? Will Graham, whatever is the matter?

Will Graham: I can’t quite put my finger on it. Something just doesn’t feel right.

Dr. Lector: If you’d like, I can give you a thorough examination? I am quite familiar with the human anatomy. (gives a knowing grin)

Will Graham: There it is again! What is going on?

The door rings.

Dr. Lector: Why, whoever could that be?

He answers the door. FBI Chief Jack Crawford walks in.

Dr. Lector: Jack, what a pleasant surprise.

Jack Crawford: Dr. Lector, a pleasure to see you. Sorry, I cannot stay long- Will, there’s been another killing.

Will Graham: What? Another? But we only got here about 10 minutes ago.

Jack Crawford: The victim was murdered and dismembered not far from here. About an hour ago. Our forensics say they have found everything except an arm and a leg.

Dr. Chilton: How bizarre…

Dr. Lector: Indeed. But surely, Jack- surely William can enjoy his dinner a bit longer? In fact, I may even have a place for you. (gives a knowing grin)

Jack Crawford: …that’s quite alright. We really must be going.

Dr. Lector: Are you certain I can’t convince you to stay? I can always tie you to the chair. (gives a knowing grin)

Will Graham: …I’m afraid that I really must be going. Time is of the essence.

Dr. Lector: Let me cut to the chase. (gives a knowing grin) I would be devastated to have my dinner leave. (gives a knowing grin) Please don’t make me hunt you down for another invitation. (gives a knowing grin) I really want to take you downstairs to my secret basement butcher shop where I recently killed and dismembered your victim and countless others and then prepared this dinner to feed to you and Dr. Chilton. (gives a knowing grin)

(A moment of stunned silence)

Jack Crawford: …Dr. Lector, are you just now confessing to the murder of this recent victim, as well numerous other victims, and claiming that you have been feeding them to guests?

Dr. Lector: Maybe. But somehow everything I have just said AND WILL EVER SAY will be considered circumstantial and therefore inadmissible in court, leading to the most frustrating television experience and biggest case of viewer blue balls that the world has ever seen since “Lost”.

Dr. Chilton: …so can I get this to go, or?

He does. Everyone leaves. Hannibal remains in the kitchen.

Dr. Lector: I can’t believe this is going into the third season.

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