How to Survive Winter: A Guide

Hello, Dear Reader!

Winter is officially here in the frozen tundra of Berlin; and while the sun still shines every five days or so, and the snow hasn’t fallen[1], this little Arizona boy is still preparing for the long, cold freeze. Admittedly, I’m not entirely familiar with the entire “winter preparations” idea, but I have picked up a few thoughts along the way.

1. Wear layers

Layers: perfect for the snow traveler/astronaut.

This may seem obvious, but layers are the way to go. For the longest time I thought, “Hey! I’ll just wear a nice heavy coat over a T-Shirt, it’ll be fine!” WRONG! That is the first step towards an unhappy winter. Instead, you should be wearing as many layers as possible. People will tell you that it matters whether you wear a thick fabric like flannel, but personally I find that it truly doesn’t. As soon as the temperature starts to drop like the New Year’s Ball in Time’s Square[2], then put on your entire closet. Your natural fur will act as an insulation between yourself and these uncomfortable human clothes. Think of yourself as a giant jawbreaker, with yourself as the rock hard, yet gentle loving, center. If you’re worried about laundry, don’t be- just take the outermost layer, switch it in as the innermost, and rotate out each article of clothing as the week passes! You won’t believe how easy it is[3]!

  1. Alcohol helps

    “The cause of- and solution to- all of life’s problems.” -Homer Simpson

This one may seem controversial, but it’s true- alcohol is the answer. Yes, you can sit and drink hot cocoa with your sober friends[4], but screw that! It’s winter! You gotta drown your liver in as much booze as possible to insulate it and yourself against the cold, harsh mistress that is the rotation of the earth further from the sun. And while your sober friends may have the last laugh as your body health slowly decays yet your body is somewhat preserved from the pickling effect of the amount of alcohol you’ve consumed, you’ll at least have the pleasure of enjoying a Christmas market while dancing without any pants[5]. Also, don’t ride the unicycle while wearing a Shriner’s cap- it demeans us all.

3. Hypothermia isn’t all that bad

Another “controversial” one. Look, doctors will tell you that hypothermia is a dangerous and life threatening condition which could result in losing multiple digits. But the truth is that one of the last steps of hypothermia is feeling unnaturally warm and accepting your fate[6]. So yes, while you may be feeling sluggish and slurring your words,[7] you’re also getting wrapped up in Mother Nature’s blanket of snow. Hell, it’s only natural- the cold makes you want to eat a significantly large amount of salmon and go into your cave. Make it work for you, too- as soon as you start feeling any of the stages of hypothermia, take off those aforementioned layers bit by bit until it feels like you’re wearing nothing at all.[8]

  1. Sleep a lot

Let’s face it- the days aren’t going to be getting longer anytime soon, but the nights sure are. So what do you do when it’s 4pm and already looks like midnight?[9] Sleep! It doesn’t matter where you are, just curl up in a ball of your own layers (preferably like a nest) and slowly give in to the creeping darkness like an old friend.[10] Just watch those dreary days fly by- before you know it, you’ll be waking up in spring, ready to shed off that winter fur and catch salmon.

  1. Eat a lot of honey

Fact! Did you know that honey is the only food which doesn’t go bad[11]? It’s true! Besides that, honey is extremely delicious, especially when it comes in a ceramic jar which reads “HUNNY”. Whenever you get yourself a cup of tea[12], add a spoonful of honey and feel the healing effects of bee spit take over. In fact, add a shot of rum as well. And maybe find a tree to rub your back against at the same time.

6. Embrace your inner bear

There’s really no easy way to say this, but bears have figured out winter pretty much all the way. Alcoholics or not, bears know how to survive winter; and there’s no real reason why you can’t do the same. Hell, I’m smarter than a bear- I’ve only gotten my head stuck in a honey jar once![13] So why can’t we, as humans, just figure out hibernation? The truth is: we have! It’s called Nyquil. Just take enough of it to put you in a coma for a few months, insert your nutrient IV (complete with home nurse to replace the bags), and presto! You’re done! Of course, I don’t need to worry about this, as I am half bear.[14] So later, suckers! I’m going to bed- see you in the spring.

Editor’s note: George woke up 10 minutes later after mixing Nyquil and Dayquil. He’s now frantically playing Mario Kart and eating berries/deer.


[1] Yet

[2] A slow, but inevitable, decline

[3] And how much space you’ll save in your closet

[4] Read: “wimps”

[5] Scientifically proven to not be possible without the help of alcohol

[6] Kind of like when I decide to fly home for Christmas

[7] Remember, you can blame that on the a a a a a alcohol

[8] Don’t worry, your fur will keep you warm

[9] Cry?

[10] Be sure to say “hello” and “I’ve come to talk with you again”

[11] Besides Velveeta

[12] Admittedly difficult to do with your claws

[13] Or twice. I dunno, my alcohol intake and sleep schedule really messes with my memory

[14] As anyone who’s seen my chest knows

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