In Thursday’s Fox News Republican Debate, also known as “rich white bigoted men talk about what poor white bigoted men care about”, there was one rich white bigot which stood out the most: Donald Trump. And as much as I am loathe to give any attention at all to what was clearly an attempt by Fox to get viewers, the things Trump said were just… phenomenal. My God- how the hell is this individual serious?
So while we wait for him to eventually reveal he’s pulling some sort of Andy Kaufman/Steven Colbert-esque long game to show just how ridiculous the political system in the United States has become, here’s the rules to my official “Trumping: The Donald Trump Drinking Game”.
First off, fill a bowl with whatever money you happen to have in your pockets- this is the fee required for Trump to appear
- Whenever Trump’s hairpiece looks like it’s about to fall off, finish your drink
- If Trump goes over the buzzer, drink for as long as he continues talking
- When Trump says something referencing his time hosting “The Apprentice”, say “You’re Fired” to a friend. The first person to receive this has to go get drinks for everyone else
- Whenever Trump says something racist, homophobic, sexist, or elitist, then shrugs it off with something along the lines of “just my opinion” or “we’re too politically correct these days”, take a drink
- Whenever Trump says something racist against Mexicans in particular, take a tequila shot and flip off whoever looks most Mexican
- Should Trump begin “Trumpeting”, defined here as “saying things about how amazing he is that are blatantly untrue”, begin drinking and masturbating until he stops
- When Trump begins talking about how he, as a businessman who personally ran several companies into the ground, knows how to run the economy, take a drink and start looting the money bowl
- If Trump starts mocking “his” political party, the Republicans, stand up and salute the TV while drinking
- Finally, if Trump wins the GOP nomination or decides to run as an independent, go and buy a bunch of grain alcohol. If Trump wins the election, drink said grain alcohol until you forget you live in the US
 “Fair and Balanced” my balls- where’s the Democrat debate?
 Seriously, this was like an episode of “Jersey Shore”
 Patent pen- aw fuck, Trump got there first
 You will also need to place in tanning cream and chant his name backwards three times
 Whether or not they are actually from Mexican descent is, like Trump himself, pointless