My Ideas for the Next Seasons of “True Detective”

Well, it’s done- the second season of HBO’s “True Detective” has wrapped up. And while watching it required experiencing more ups and downs than Detective Rust Cohle’s sobriety, I cast my mind back to a simpler time- a time when all it took for a great episode was Woody Harrelson to talk about his massive member and extended camera shots.

Seriously, WHY a bird mask?

So while you might need a BuzzFeed article to follow what the hell is going on, here’s my suggestions for the next few seasons.

Season 3

Location: Bismarck, North Dakota

Theme Song Performer: Will Smith[1]

Cast: Ryan Reynolds, Jada Pinkett Smith, Joe Pesci, Patton Oswalt

Plot: Ryan Reynolds plays Liam Mason, a dirty cop with unorthodox methods trying to come clean. His world is turned upside down when he stumbles on the murder of the new State Senator (played by Joe Pesci) with his reluctant partner (played by Patton Oswalt). However, this murder is more than it seems, as it is revealed that the senator has been having an affair on his wife (played by guest star Lorraine Bracco) with his assistant (Jayda Pinkett Smith). As Mason begins to put the case together, he is shocked to find out that in the balance lies not only his fate and the fate of Bismarck, but also the fate of Bigfoot that everyone assumed was just legend.

Season 4

Location: New York City

Theme Song Performer: Jay-Z

Cast: Matthew McConaughey, Channing Tatum, Molly Ringwald, Christopher Meloni

Plot: Matthew McConaughey resumes his role of Rust Cohle, an unorthodox cop with dirty methods trying to come clean. His world is turned upside down when he stumbles on the murder of the new Mayor (played by Christopher Meloni) with his reluctant partner (played by Molly Ringwald). However, this murder is more than it seems, as it is revealed that the mayor has been having an affair on his wife (again Molly Ringwald) with his assistant (Channing Tatum). As Cohle begins to put the case together, he is shocked to find out that in the balance lies not only his fate and the fate of Manhattan, but also the fate of the New York Yankees AND Mets.

Season 5

Location: Phoenix, Arizona

Theme Song Performer: Nickelback

Cast: Tobey Maguire, James Franco, Kirsten Dunst

Plot: James Franco plays Noah Liam, a dirty cop with unorthodox methods trying to come clean. His world is turned upside down when he stumbles on the murder of the new State Sheriff (played by Joe Arpaio) with his reluctant partner (played by Tobey Maguire). However, this murder is more than it seems, as it is revealed that everyone is pretty much ok with Sheriff Joe being dead. In fact, they may have really actually killed Arpaio for the show[2], and no one seems to care. As Liam begins to put the case together, he is shocked to find out that in the balance lies not only his fate and the fate of Phoenix, but also the fate of Kirsten Dunst who is desperately trying to get a “Spider-Man” reboot during the entire run of the season.

Season 6

Location: Mars[3]

Theme Song Performer: Justin Bieber (trust me)

Cast: Justin Bieber

Plot: Justin Bieber plays Race Bannon, a dirty cop with unorthodox methods trying to come clean. His world is turned upside down when he stumbles on the murder of the new Martian Senator (played by Justin Bieber) with his reluctant partner (played by Justin Bieber). However, this murder is more than it seems, as it is revealed that the senator has been having an affair on his wife (played by guest star Justin Bieber) with his assistant (Justin Bieber). As Bannon begins to put the case together, he is shocked to find out that in the balance lies not only his fate and the fate of Mars, but also the fate of the indigenous Martians that everyone assumed were just legend.


[1] Wiki-wiki-wild wild True Detective!

[2] Like on film with a ball peen hammer

[3] Barsoom!

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