Scene: We open on aerial views of New York City. The Big Apple. The city that never sleeps. The place where a man can make his fortune- or lose it just as fast. These various smash cuts of tall buildings and bridges leading into Manhattan Island are important because the show is actually filmed in Toronto and some scenes are just clearly God awful green screen shots. After about a full minute of these completely gratuitous “establishing” shots, we switch to the law offices of Pearson Specter (Litt), where we find our protagonist Harvey Specter working at his desk. He is impeccably dressed in a SUIT and busily working on his computer, but in reality is probably playing solitaire. Louis Litt barges in, impeccably dressed in a SUIT and looking like a very upset rodent.
Louis: HARVEY! I have had it with your shenanigans!
Harvey: Louis- calm down, I obviously have done something which has upset you but the audience knows it clearly shouldn’t have. Why don’t you have a seat so we can calmly discuss this matter?
Louis: I will NOT! Mostly because that would mean taking the time to hear a simple explanation that would resolve this issue in mere seconds and we have 40 minutes to fill. I am spitting mad- SPITTING MAD- that you would do something as underhanded as sleep with MY MOTHER!
(The music shifts dramatically as techno beeps tell us that someone is in jeopardy)
Harvey: Look, I could try to defend myself by saying I have severe emotional issues and problems connecting with people on more than a tertiary level, let alone more than a physical level, but instead I’m going to say something pithy and get upset at you, somehow.
Louis: You WOULD say that! Because again, 40 minutes to fill!
Harvey: I can’t understand why you keep getting upset at me and the world beyond the fact that this show needs a villain every season and we have been relying on you HEAVILY! We even toy with the audience by making it seem like you have learned your lesson and then somehow shifting you back into the villain role! It’s almost like you are being poorly written to NEVER learn your lesson!
Louis: Look who’s talking! If this was a properly written show, you would have either figured out that your job can’t buy you happiness or you would have died from 5 different types of Italian model syphilis by now! But this is on the USA network and so long as one person is watching the show they will keep trotting out the same tired stories episode after episode, season after season, or until the producers realize they can’t sell enough DVDs to pay for their cocaine habit!
(Speaking of tired stories, Mike Ross– who was clearly almost named Mike Rotch– enters the room. He is wearing a SUIT that is also impeccable, as well as a haircut that the costume department thought was “in” this year)
Mike: Louis, Harvey, enough of your almost predictable squabbling- we have an almost predictable problem. Again.
Harvey: Mike- the man I almost certainly have a small crush on- what is it?
Louis: Yes, Mike, I also almost certainly have a small crush on you.
Mike: Well- despite the fact that I am extremely intelligent and have fallen into a series of unfortunate events that prevented me from getting into Harvard, I have overlooked the fact that I once again put everyone in jeopardy by lying about going to Harvard. In fact, pretty much everyone who is in jeopardy is partly responsible, since they already knew and did nothing, including my fiancé who’s lawyer father once worked with me.
Louis: Don’t forget all the clients you’ve seemingly helped, rich and poor, whose cases will likely be overturned when they find out that you were practicing law illegally.
(There is a small pause, then everyone begins laughing hysterically)
Louis: Nah, I’m kidding, we don’t give a shit about the clients for more than like 4 episodes.
Harvey: Yeah, fuck ‘em.
Mike: I think you literally HAVE with a few, Harvey! Anyways, turns out this episode’s client is someone that I sold weed to once.
Harvey: MARIJUANA?! That incredibly, dangerous drug which is ruining America? That you almost got arrested/shot over and indicated a low point in your life when you turned back to smoking it? Which we all definitely have been enjoying just minutes ago?
Mike: I don’t know what you’re talking about. (He takes out a bag of Funyuns) Anyways, shit’s fucked up, yo. So we need to handle this.
Harvey: Well, to that I say movie reference.
Mike: I also respond with movie reference.
Louis: I am upset I do not understand these movie references.
Harvey and Mike: Movie reference.
(Rachel Zane and Jessica Pearson walk into the office, visibly distressed but both impeccably dressed in SUITS)
Rachel: Mike, a friend of yours has just walked into the building. They are not wearing a SUIT, so we know they are not trustworthy. Also, they claim to know your secret.
Mike: Oh my God- could it be my old roommate who I decided to defend even though he literally screwed me over every chance he could get? Or someone I dated in a flashback that shows how I mean well? Or my friend’s ex that I exchanged bodily fluids with? Or my old friend that was introduced for like two episodes for me to bang even though she was married?
Louis: Can I point out, very quickly, that you are doing a shit job of keeping your secret when you can name like 10 people who know it and aren’t even in this room?
Rachel: (to Mike) …the first one.
Jessica: Indeed. I knew it was him instantly because he told me your “secret” at the end of season one, which was a cliffhanger that was resolved in all of one episode that started season two.
Mike: What does he want?
Jessica: To blackmail you. Duh. He has no moral compass and has proven he would sell you out repeatedly. What else do you think he’d want?
Mike: To apologize for being a dick…?
(The Audience collectively rolls their eyes so hard their retinas almost detach)
Harvey: Mike, don’t worry about it. I will find a way to solve this.
Rachel: How on God’s green earth are you going to manage that?
Harvey: Same way I solve all my problems- I call upon my deus ex machina of an assistant, Donna.
(Donna Paulson, a character that should have been written out after the first few episodes but was voted a fan-favorite on a ridiculous USA Network poll and is now figuratively and literally bulletproof, walks in. She is dressed in a SUIT)
Donna: My ears are burning- who needs the Donna?
Harvey: Donna, Mike has two people who know his secret…
Louis: Mike has HUNDREDS of people who know his secret!
Harvey: Ok, Mike has two people who know his secret in the building…
Louis: Mike has FIVE people who know his secret in THIS ROOM! He is putting us and the firm in jeopardy! Rachel, you are marrying a lying liar who lies! It will ruin your family and career because he is too selfish to be honest!
Harvey: Shut up, Louis.
Jessica: Yeah, shut up, Louis.
(Louis throws his hands up in the air and walks out of the room)
Harvey: Anyways, Donna- two people are here and they know Mike’s secret. It could bring down this firm.
Donna: Ok. Let me see if I can Donna this out. Mike, where are these people?
Mike: Well, the client is in the conference room…
Jessica: Your friend is in the conference room as well!
Donna: Well normally I’d ask which conference room, since this is a large enough firm to have more than one, but since the show can only afford to have a limited number of sets, I think it’s safe to say they’re in “the” conference room. Now then…
(The music changes to dramatic and long electric tones, showing something serious is about to happen. Donna starts talking while a montage plays, showing everyone attentively listening)
Donna: …and then that should just about Donna the problem!
Rachel: Donna, you just spent the last 10 minutes describing how you and Harvey had sex once and now he is too emotionally closed off to admit he needs you.
Mike: VIVIDLY describing. In almost too much detail.
Donna: Look, I can’t help it if you can’t Donna on a higher level like me. If we all Donna together, then maybe we can hope to Donna this situation. Whether we Donna or we don’t Donna, I think we can all Donna that this is situation is Donna-ed.
Jessica: I can’t believe I am able to manage a “powerful” law firm and spend way too much time with you idiots.
Harvey: I take Donna to that. Oh shit, now I’m doing it.
(Suddenly, Harold Gunderson walks into the office with a semi-automatic rifle)
Harold: I am clearly a person who suffered a mental breakdown! I have a gun and a crazed look in my eyes! Fuck you all for stressing me out so damn much!
(He begins to fire. All bullets are somehow pumped into Donna, who is begins to deflect them as she is too damn popular for USA Network to kill off. As the bullets are deflected, several fly out of the office and hit Harold, who crumples into a heap.)
Rachel: Oh my God… is everyone ok?
Mike: I think so… Donna, how the hell did you survive being peppered like a turkey?
Donna: Oh Mike… I’m the host of an evil and ancient power that cannot die or be destroyed.
(Everyone looks at her)
Donna: I mean, I’m Donna?
(A random intern walks into the room)
Intern: My God- you guys are alive? Those bullets were all deflected into the conference room! Everyone in there is dead or in serious condition!
Harvey: You mean, everyone? Including the two guests?
Intern: Yes! Oh what a tragedy!
(A pause, then everyone else begins to cheer and clap)
Intern: What the fuck is wrong with you people?!
Mike: Oh, I’m actually a fraud and never went to law school, let alone Harvard. Those people knew about it.
Intern: But… now I know about it?
Harvey: Oh. Right. Donna?
(Donna walks up to the Intern, shrugs, and then breaks his neck in one fluid movement)
Donna: That’s how you Donna.
(Another Random Intern walks into the office)
Intern: (sees the bodies) …oooookay, so now going to ask about that, but you guys! Louis was in the conference room! He’s been shot and is in a coma!
Rachel: Oh my God- will he survive?
Intern: They aren’t sure. They are putting him in an ambulance now. He’s in critical condition and probably will be until next season.
Harvey: Dammit! I can’t believe I’m partly responsible for all the problems plaguing this firm, despite the fact that I would have been fired for going to extreme lengths if this was any other normal firm!
Mike: I also can’t believe that somehow everyone in this room is immune to all the bad luck that is happening because I lied about going to Harvard!
Intern: Wait, you LIED?
Rachel: Ugh, again. Donna?
(Donna stares at Intern and mutters something under her breath as the demon curse begins to melt the Intern’s face off ala “Raiders of the Lost Ark”)
Harvey: I JUST cleaned the carpet in here.
(Everyone laughs as the show freeze frames and fades to black, since the Audience safely knows that Louis will absolutely survive next season and will fluctuate between learning his lesson and being a giant pain in the ass for as long as USA Network has at least coked out law student watching the show in the background while he creepily strokes his closets full of SUITS)