My Recent Expedition to IKEA

I have recently signed a lease for a new apartment, which means getting furniture. As there is literally no other furniture store that has everything in one place (and meatballs), I made a journey to IKEA in hopes of purveying quality goods at cheap prices. The expedition was overall a success[1]– but there were tragically some losses. Below is my record of the events that occurred on October 16th, 2015.

Oct. 16th, 2015 10:00

Intended to begin expedition to IKEA early in the morning to obtain all required goods- woke up hung over.

Oct. 16th, 2015 12:00

Still hung over, now hungry.

Oct. 16th, 2015 14:00

I tossig’ed.

Oct. 16th, 2015 19:00

Packed gear for expedition. Began travel in the rain. Travel was expected to be 40 minutes, but delays due to inclement weather have prevented my party from a timely arrival. Journey ended up being a full hour. Party arrived at front gate, weary, but ready.

Oct. 16th, 2015 20:00

Started ascent. Slow escalator ride took us up into the “show” room, where various assemblies showed happy and colorful layouts of what could be done- if the budget was high enough. Tragically budget was far too low; but crew had prepared a list of which goods to find. So long as all members of party remain focused and on task, mission should still be a suc- oh, hey, I get free hot cocoa with my Family Card? What’s a Family Card?

Of course the default name is “Anna Andersson”

Oct. 16th, 2015 20:30

Have officially signed up for a Family Card. Party was hesitant at first- no offer so good could be truly free. However, team leader has decided the risk of having one’s information out there was worth getting €100 off a mattress[2]. Free hot cocoa and coffee was shared by all. There was much rejoicing.

Oct. 16th, 2015 21:00

Mission has veered off course with the discovery of fabric leaves that could be considered “kitsch”. Team leader has attempted to route further loss of goal but already two members have fallen prey to playing hide and seek in the living room section. Sherpa has discovered the “chair test” display wherein a chair is pounded by metal rods to prove endurance. Chairs are not on the expedition list. Moral has sunk after hot cocoa and coffee was depleted; supplies running low.

Oct. 16th, 2015 21:10

Team leader has agreed to detour to obtain “köttbullar”, a local delicacy. I had no idea that meatballs and berries could pair so well! The dish was both delicious but also damaging; three members have decided to “go native” and never leave. Already they are beginning to learn the language; common English is instead replaced with words like “Malm” and “Groggy” and “Chokladkaka”. Team leader has declared these men to be “insane, and lost”. Expedition moves forward despite casualties.

Oct. 16th, 2015 21:30

Chaos. Members of party have disappeared following descent into storage. Where once there was order in the show room, now all items are haphazardly attached to walls in no particular method. Guide has lost coordinates and can no longer bring us back on track. Mattress was requested at front but there is no end in sight. We are truly kallaxed[3]. There are eyes in the fabric section- hiding, watching. They are coming. They are coming.

Oct. 16th, 2015 21:40

All hope is lost. Party as scattered upon announcement that the store will be closing. Every man is for himself. Team leader has been sacrificed in the lighting section and turned into köttbullar. Good God- if only we had known! I travel now with but one remaining member. We have fought off the locals with skorva[4] and fear for our lives. The exit is visible, but all lines are backed up. We must go on. We must finish this.

Oct. 16th, 2015 21:50

I alone have survived. I have purchased all goods and proceeded to item pick up with remaining member. Thomas… poor Thomas. We received the mattress but were told that to have it delivered we must needs carry the item over to the transport desk ourselves. Thomas lost his mind- it was a mere 15 meters! Could the native not simply move it over instead of forcing us to do it?! It seemed ludicrous! It was the same damn warehouse! It was too much for Thomas. He began to swing the skorva, despite my protest that it would only serve to anger the natives further, and was immediately brought down by hundreds of tiny wooden pencils shot as blow darts from the wary natives. I pushed the mattress over myself, slowly but surely. The natives have promised a prompt delivery within a few days. I am cautious to get my hopes up, but sincerely wish that it is successful. If not, I will return later with my receipt for more free hot cocoa.

[1] My upgraded my mattress from a 4 inch thick piece of carpet to a foot thick mattress for a KING (queen, actually)!

[2] Not making that up- only until Oct. 24th!

[3] Really.

[4] Sharp fucker.

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