The Do’s and Don’t’s of German Christmas Markets


It’s that time of year again! Yes, the time when artisanal market stalls sprout up in the middle of busy German cities and people drunk on Glühwein stumble in front of oncoming trams. And who can blame them? In just a few weeks, January will be here and then people will be stumbling in front of oncoming trams because of the weather[1]. Truly, the Christmas Markets of Germany are a magical place.

Never been? You should! And if you’re nervous about making a fool of yourself, not to worry- here’s a list of do’s (and don’t’s) for the German Christmas Markets.


Try the Glühwein! Some people will say it’s “just” spiced wine, but they couldn’t be more wrong. It’s liquid happiness in a mug! It’ll make the cold winter weather seem like nothing at all.

Try the Glühbier. It’s crap. Seriously, just… why make beer warm and add foam? It’s an abomination.


Go with a friend! Or a group of friends! Yes, it’s crowded and you’ll likely lose a friend or two along the way. But- the memories of strolling through the markets with your chums is one that will stick with you for years to come.

Go alone. Seriously, unless you’re a tourist and don’t know a soul, nothing makes you lonelier than seeing families and friends wandering about and you have no one. Also, it’s much less socially acceptable to drink in public alone- strangers kinda look at you weird when you try to latch onto their group of friends.[2]


Get some traditional Christmas Market food! Whether it’s a bratwurst or Schneeballchen or even some fried mushrooms, this is the only time of year it’s ok to eat these terribly unhealthy foods. AND they come with delicious garlic sauce[3]!

Eat and walk. There’s nothing sadder than watching your Kartoffelpuffer fall to the ground because some lone drunk asshole, miserable he couldn’t bring any friends, stumbles into you. Plus you ruin his jacket too, and the stains are really tricky to get out.[4]


Ride the rides! Yes, after you’ve had some delicious Glühwein and steak with your friends, get in a spinning ball of death that was hastily assembled just a few days prior. You might throw up a little, or even lose a finger, but knowing that you paid a rather large amount of money for what is really an average experience is worth it to… actually…

Ride the rides. Just eat and drink a lot with your friends, the world will spin on its own after a few Glühwein.[5]

[1] And because it’s Germany

[2] So I hear.

[3] And tiny forks!

[4] So I hear.

[5] So I hear.

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