George Schorschi’s Guide to Finding an Apartment

Finding an apartment is getting harder and harder these days. Many people will tell you surefire ways to get a place but apparently, the only thing that works is just pure dumb luck. So what’s a potential tenant supposed to do? Well! Fortunately for you, I have some tried and true methods which are just destined to work. Give them a whirl and get ready to get that flat in no time!

Bring the proper paperwork

paperwork_-_by_tom_venturaThat ol’ chestnut

Your potential roommate/landlord is going to be skeptical when you show up. They put a lot of time and money into getting this apartment, and they don’t want a tenant who is going to bail at the first sign of trouble! And much like any individual entering into a meaningful, long term relationship, they really want to see the paperwork showing that you have a “clean” record. Most countries have some sort of credit rating agency which can immediately put a renter at ease. It also helps if you show some pay slips and a letter from your parents saying they’ll bail you out if need be. The best part is- you can fake them!

Sell yourself like a hooker on the street

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Practice this speech:

“Hi potential roomie/landlord! Why yes, I do love cooking! I am extremely tidy as well- sometimes you’ll catch me cleaning the bathroom unasked! You don’t eat meat? Me neither! In fact, I don’t eat anything, so you don’t have to worry about me eating your food in the fridge. You want to do roommate game nights? So crazy- ME TOO! I have lots of great friends of the opposite sex that like to come over and hang out with me. I also have many homosexual friends, if that’s what you’re into. Have I mentioned how I despise people who play loud music late at night? AND I have a car (which is currently in the shop, so you can’t see it)? What’s that? You want me to get naked and dance? Does it mean I get the room? You’re right, I should pay all the utilities!”

Squat

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Most apartments have a viewing, which is a great way to check out the place before moving in. It’s also a fantastic way of gaining access and then never, ever leaving. Arrive with a camping backpack filled with all the necessities (sleeping bag, ramen noodles, camper stove, chamber pot) and insist on seeing the room before doing anything else. Once you’ve entered, distract the renter by pointing out something you saw in the kitchen. When they go to investigate, immediately lock yourself in the room and set up for the long haul. Sure, they might call the cops- but at least you’ll have a place to stay after you’re arrested!

Dress like a rescue animal

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These days, nothing says “compassionate” more than adopting a rescue. Dog or cat, the idea of taking in a poor animal and caring for it is incredibly admirable. So go to your local party shop, find a costume, roll it in some dirt, and put it on. Whether you decide wait on the side of the road to be adopted or at a shelter (careful you don’t stay too long at the shelter…) is entirely up to you. Just make sure you’re comfortable and practice your barking/meowing. Also, try to get a taste for pet food beforehand to make the transition a little easier- and resist the urge to mark your territory or something much, much worse than homelessness will happen to you.

Make someone disappear

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Now I want to be crystal clear- I’m not saying kill someone. That can get messy. However, people move all the time with nary an explanation, and no one thinks twice. Ever been to a friend’s apartment and thought, “Wow! What a nice place! If they weren’t here I’d totally move in”? Now imagine you can move in. Maybe they lose their job because someone won’t stop prank calling them. Maybe they get a letter from their long lost love who wants to take them back, provided they move to the other side of the country. Maybe someone lets slip that they’re a Trump supporter- who knows! The point is once they’re gone someone needs to take their apartment. However, if you have a nice apartment, be advised- literally any one of your friends could potentially be doing the same to you…


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