Expat Items for Sale

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The great thing about being an expat is having adventures in a new country. The bad thing is the realization that you have to start from scratch when it comes to literally all of your possessions. Remember how you accrued all that stuff through the many years back home?  Get ready to buy it all over again in a short period of time! Fortunately, every expat forum has a section for fellow travelers to buy/sell their stuff secondhand. Here’s an example of what you’re likely to find.

FOR SALE:
Flea market bicycle which barely works

Price:
€100

Description:
Hi! I bought this bicycle at a flea market and it absolutely doesn’t work. I literally brought it home and watched it fall apart along the way, like some sort of Bugs Bunny cartoon. It’s a real piece of shit, but because I don’t want to try and get my money back from the guy who sold it to me, I’m selling it here for way more than I actually paid for it. Yes, I should have bought a new one from an official bike store, but I really like this one’s colored frame and didn’t bother to look at the tires, chain, or gears.


FOR SALE:
Language books because I’ve “mastered” the language

Price:
€10 per book

Description:
Oh this? Yeah, I mastered the local language. Don’t need the books anymore- it only took me two months and I can already order a coffee at the cafe AND ask for directions. I don’t understand the words said back to me, but I’m very confident that I won’t be needing these books anymore. One of them looks suspiciously untouched, while the other only has about half the pages filled in. That’s because I realized I was going to sell them later on and wanted to leave them as new as possible (also I never actually got past book two).


FOR SALE:
Furniture- moving out

Price:
€100 or best offer or fuck it, I don’t even care anymore

Description:
Well, great. My girlfriend broke up with me, and the only reason I moved here was to be with her, so fuck it. Now I’m moving back home to live with my parents while I figure out what the hell I do next. All the furniture in my apartment needs to go and if you wait long enough, I’ll probably end up slashing the price just to get it out the door. Everything is practically new because I MOVED HERE 10 WEEKS AGO, JULIA! FOR YOU! YOU DIDN’T HAVE THE BALLS TO SAY YOU DIDN’T LOVE ME AND THAT I SHOULDN’T HAVE COME AND NOW I LOST THE DEPOSIT ON OUR FLAT! Whatever, now it can be your burden.


FOR SALE:
Unique opportunity for Expats!

Price:
None

Description:
Hello fellow expats! Are you looking for work but can’t find anything since you don’t speak the language? Perhaps you’re just desperate enough to check out this ad! We’re offering low wages, long hours, and little to no benefits. But you’ll take it- because you’re almost broke and you don’t want to admit to your parents that you need airfare! Find out more by following this shortened Google link (http://goo.gl/eOf1hD) and please turn off your antivirus first. PS this is NOT a pyramid scheme, it’s a reverse funnel system. Don’t ask questions.


FOR SALE:
That thing you need

Price:
Reasonably priced

Description:
I’m selling that thing you need at a reasonable price. It’s even in the color you wanted! But the problem is it’s located clear across town and you’ll never be able to transport it back without spending more than it’s worth. Heck, you might as well just order this new online and have it delivered for what it would cost you to pick this thing up. To make it even worse, you won’t be able to find it anywhere else. Instead, this thing will just sit here on this page, laughing at you. And just when you decide to break down and bite the bullet, someone else will claim it. Sorry!

 


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4 thoughts on “Expat Items for Sale

  1. Kat says:

    Hey George, Just moved here 7 weeks ago from Canada with husband and daughter and we’re all going through language shock. Like in the first week of German Gymnasium school and my daughter brought home a billion German papers for me to read and sign and I used up my phone data translating said documents all night only to have daughter not turn them in…and now it’s week two! And don’t even get me started on appliances like the Beko washing machine which only comes with German instructions. Or trying to figure out the stove/oven with a manual missing ALL of the English instructions that the previous tenants tore out. Who does that?!?

    Your story of the bicycle seat from heaven was hilarious. We also bought a bike for said daughter at a Troedl Mark for €110. She only gave it a spin, so who knows what its life span is and it will probably fall apart in the middle of nowhere on a rain slicked road with a crappy phone plan with no data when you need it. But I digress…

    Your blog gives me hope that we’ll adjust here, things that happened to you have happened to us and reliving it makes it funny. Keep on blogging!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Kat! Always happy to make someone laugh.

      Cheers to your new adventure in Germany and please be sure to keep an eye out for more posts/shows! Here’s a quick hint- our next headliner is from Canada as well 😉

      Like

  2. Susan says:

    YES! Good chuckling here in Utrecht.

    Liked by 1 person

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