Category Archives: Film/TV

Odds for Eurovision Song Contest 2017 Ridiculousness

eurovision-2017-kyiv-logo

Alright, Europe! It’s almost time for the event of the year, EUROVISION 2017! Last year’s tumultuous event was full of shocking moments that left many fans stunned- except, of course, for my dear readers who were prepared for pretty much anything thanks to the handy betting odds I made. So what can we expect this time around? More chaos? More craziness? MORE WIND MACHINES?! Read on to find out more.

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The “Star Wars” Holiday Gift Guide (MILD SPOILERS)!

(WARNING! MILD SPOILERS! If you haven’t seen the film yet, you might be ok. However, if you prefer to go in fresh, then wait until later to read this.)

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There has been an awakening- have you felt it?

“STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS” IS HERE! And what an awakening it has been. With record breaking ticket sales, rave reviews, and fanboys hailing it as the best “Star Wars” since “Empire”, it’s clear who the real winners are: the marketing team.

While I’ve been in Germany, blissfully unaware of the promotion and merchandising which has gone into this blockbuster film, I had thought it was a little extreme. And then I returned home for Christmas and now…

So let’s play a little game! I want you to read through these marketing ideas and see if you can figure out which ones are real and which are not. Special bonus prize if you get ‘em all! Answers on the bottom, no peeking.

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My Rejected “Suits” Script

SUITS!

Scene: We open on aerial views of New York City. The Big Apple. The city that never sleeps. The place where a man can make his fortune- or lose it just as fast. These various smash cuts of tall buildings and bridges leading into Manhattan Island are important because the show is actually filmed in Toronto and some scenes are just clearly God awful green screen shots. After about a full minute of these completely gratuitous “establishing” shots, we switch to the law offices of Pearson Specter (Litt), where we find our protagonist Harvey Specter working at his desk. He is impeccably dressed in a SUIT and busily working on his computer, but in reality is probably playing solitaire. Louis Litt barges in, impeccably dressed in a SUIT and looking like a very upset rodent.

Louis: HARVEY! I have had it with your shenanigans!

Harvey: Louis- calm down, I obviously have done something which has upset you but the audience knows it clearly shouldn’t have. Why don’t you have a seat so we can calmly discuss this matter?

Louis: I will NOT! Mostly because that would mean taking the time to hear a simple explanation that would resolve this issue in mere seconds and we have 40 minutes to fill. I am spitting mad- SPITTING MAD- that you would do something as underhanded as sleep with MY MOTHER!

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My Ideas for the Next Seasons of “True Detective”

Well, it’s done- the second season of HBO’s “True Detective” has wrapped up. And while watching it required experiencing more ups and downs than Detective Rust Cohle’s sobriety, I cast my mind back to a simpler time- a time when all it took for a great episode was Woody Harrelson to talk about his massive member and extended camera shots.

Seriously, WHY a bird mask?

So while you might need a BuzzFeed article to follow what the hell is going on, here’s my suggestions for the next few seasons.

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Every Episode of “Hannibal” Ever

I enjoy the TV show “Hannibal”. I think it is visually appealing, the story line is intriguing, and Mads Mikkelsen (you may have noticed I like his work) eats up the scenery as if it were any number of the dishes I can only assume he personally prepares while in character (but not too in character, hopefully). However, I can see the reason why a lot of people have beef with the show, and in order to better explain it to you, here’s my script for every episode of “Hannibal” ever.
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A Game of Twilight? SPOILERS ALL

Eddard Cullen

Eddard Cullen

Recently, it has come to my attention that the “Twilight Saga” by Stephenie Meyer may indeed be a better series than “A Song of Ice and Fire” by George R.R. Martin (more commonly known as “Game of Thrones”). Based on sales figures alone, “Twilight” has had nearly 6 times the sales[1] during its relatively brief existence[2] with far, far fewer pages. Additionally, the “Twilight Saga” film adaptation has earned $3,345,177,904 compared to a budget of only $385 million- making it insanely profitable as well as popular. “ASOIAF” remains unfinished, while “Game of Thrones” is one of the most expensive series on modern television and also the most illegally downloaded[3]. Would this not reflect on the quality of the fans as well? Could the purchasers of so many copies of “Twilight” be misled, unintelligent, immature, ignorant, moronic, and vapid? Are 120 million people truly wrong?

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