Tag Archives: Berlin

5 More Haikus About Germany


After the massive success of my last haiku blog (and because I’m behind on posting new content- read: Pokemon Go), here are a few more haikus about Germany for your enjoyment. Also, in order to set the mood, please play the following video in the background while you read.

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The Flirty Hausmeister- An Erotic Story


(For a friend)

Kate was cold, tired, and alone. It had been many long nights since her apartment had heating, and while this was tolerable during the summer months, it was now well into winter. Bundled under a knitted wool quilt and clutching a cup of Earl Grey, she watched as the snow drifts began to gather outside her window.

“Great,” she thought, “Another frigid night in frigid Germany. Just my luck.”

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Registration Form for Berlin Hipsters

Guys, let’s be honest- registering in Germany is pretty rough. I mean, there’s like forms and stuff. And all you want to do is go out and enjoy the REAL Berlin, just like that guide on the free tour you took over the summer told you about! Who has time to learn GERMAN?! So knock back a Club Mate, put on your Converse, roll a cigarette and rest easy- here’s the form you need to fill out, translated.

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The Different Kinds of Expat Jobs

Probably not for what I think it’s for.

You’ve seen them- from time to time on the expat social media group you frequent, someone posts a want ad that seems almost too good to be true. A job! And they want to hire an expat! I have been living abroad for several years now, and if there is one thing that makes me sick, it is the almost infinite number of companies that prey off the desperate expats looking to live abroad. These parasites latch onto the countless hopes and dreams of foreigners struggling to survive and are enough to dishearten even the brightest lights.

Let me be abundantly clear- there are ways to live abroad. The struggle is enough to make many just give up and go home with their tail between their legs. But for those expats who are willing to sacrifice and put in hard work, the experience can be extremely rewarding. Problem is most of the expat jobs out there don’t make it easy.

For starters, any company that seriously advertises job openings exclusively on Facebook and leaves out relevant information (salary, hours, the name of the company) should raise some warning flags. If they can’t even afford to properly place a want ad, they probably can’t afford to properly pay you either.

But so it goes, and here I go with what, in my opinion, are the different kinds of jobs the expat abroad will find.[1]
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Wir wollen die Spiele? Wem will die Spiele?!

As I sit in my apartment, I gaze outside my window to see a rather charming horizon. To my right is the Nikolaikirche, one of the oldest buildings in the city. Straight ahead I see the Rotes Rathaus, a magnificently large building of bureaucracy and governance. And to my left, reaching high into the sky, I see the Fernsehturm, lit and piercing the fog like a lighthouse whose guiding beacon provides a safe discourse for drunken backpackers to find their hostels. But what is this alongside the tall, Soviet phallus? Why, through the wonder of technology, words are being projected! What do they spell[1]? “WIR WOLLEN DIE SPIELE”? “We want the Games”? Whatever could it mean?

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The Birthday Invite I Decided Not To Send

Not a lot of people know this, but November 9th is a pretty important day in Berlin history. The Fall of the Wall, Kristallnacht- even the death of the shortest reigning kaiser. It’s also my birthday; but to be fair, Berlin was here first.

Anyways, every year I tell myself I’m not going to make a big deal out of it, but then I remember that I enjoy attention and people buying me things. This year is also the 25th anniversary of the Fall, so Berlin’s getting extra special with the celebration. While I appreciate that the reunification of Germany was a pretty big deal, I find myself perturbed by the fact that something is preempting my big night. So here is the birthday invite I decided not to send:
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